Try not to cling to unrealistic ideas about what could happen, such as getting back together with your ex after a bad breakup. False hope may help you feel better temporarily, but it will ultimately lead to more disappointment and heartbreak. If you need to, take a couple of days off from school or work. While distracting yourself and keeping busy can be helpful, it’s also important to give yourself a little space and time to rest and feel your grief. [3] X Research source
Think of your emotions as waves in a troubled ocean. Instead of trying to fight against them or go around them, just let yourself ride the waves. It may not feel like it now, but they will eventually get calmer! Don’t try to numb yourself to the pain or swear off relationships forever. [5] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCCRelationship Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019. Instead, acknowledge that what you’re feeling is temporary, and things will get better.
If you don’t want to cry in front of other people or in public, try taking a few slow, deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth to help you calm down. Go someplace where you can have some privacy, like a bathroom, and let it out.
For example, you may find yourself thinking things like, “This is all my fault,” or “I’ll never find love again. ” Respond to those thoughts with things like, “There were a lot of reasons it didn’t work out. My ex and I both played a part in it. ” Or, “I’ve been in relationships before, and there’s no reason it won’t happen again. I learned things from this one that will help me make the next one even better. ” It’s easier to deal with negative thoughts if you notice them when they happen. Practice mindful meditation to help you become more aware of your thoughts and the feelings they trigger. If you’re not sure how to get started, try signing up for a meditation course.
For instance, if you find yourself pining for your ex, think about how you often you argued, or the fact that they weren’t always good at being there for you when you needed them. Remembering the bad things doesn’t mean you have to ignore the good parts! In fact, accepting how much you loved the person is an important part of helping yourself heal. Just try to keep your perspective balanced and realistic. For example, remind yourself how annoying it was that they never washed the dishes, but also remember how much you enjoyed their sense of humor.
Make a list of your strengths. Remind yourself of your accomplishments, and the good qualities you have. The act of writing them out can remind you of them, and you can also read the list whenever you feel down and need a boost. Say things to yourself like, “Hey, you’re dealing with something incredibly tough right now, but I believe in you. You can get through this!” Or, “You deserve to be happy, and you’re worthy of love. ”
If you don’t have anyone to turn to, look for a support group online. There are tons of heartbreak groups out there for people who are going through—or have already been through—similar things. You can also call or text a crisis line, such as the Crisis Text Line. [10] X Research source To text the Crisis Text line, text “HOME” to 741741. Even just venting to a stranger for a few minutes can help you feel better—plus, they can direct you to other resources that might help.
If you’re really struggling with motivation, try starting with one simple thing, like brushing your teeth or putting on clean clothes. Then, see if you feel up to doing something else, like eating a healthy snack. Take it one thing at a time!
Work on a hobby or creative project Go for a walk Watch a movie or TV show you enjoy Listen to relaxing music Spend time with friends Meditate or do light stretches, yoga, or breathing exercises
You don’t need a full workout. Something as simple as a 10- to 15-minute walk can help you feel better. Even work that doesn’t feel like exercise, like weeding a garden or taking a walk outside, gets you some fresh air while you move. The most important thing is that you stay consistent in what you do. [13] X Research source If you have trouble motivating yourself, ask a friend to join you, or combine exercise with something else you enjoy. For instance, you could work out while watching a favorite TV show or break a sweat dancing to upbeat music.
If you have photos or videos on your phone that trigger painful feelings or memories, delete them or move them to a location you won’t be as tempted to look at. This doesn’t mean you have to throw away or destroy things that remind you of your ex, or keep avoiding your favorite places forever. Just give yourself some time to process your feelings away from those reminders. If you have things that belong to your ex, consider mailing the items to them. Or, you can arrange a time for them to pick the items up (just keep any contact to a minimum).
Be especially careful not to contact your ex late at night or when you’ve been drinking. It’s not likely to help anything, and you’ll probably feel embarrassed or upset about it the next day. If there’s something you really want to say to them, write it down in a journal or a text document, but don’t send it. You can even destroy what you wrote after the fact. Ask your friends to help. Say something like, “Hey, if I start asking what my ex is up to, just remind me that I need space. ” Or, you can ask them to distract you by changing the subject. [16] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCCRelationship Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
Make a list of things you’ve always wanted to learn or do. Crossing things off your list will give you a sense of accomplishment and help you feel more positive about the future. Trying new activities is also a great way to meet new friends and grow your support network!
You don’t have to limit yourself to helping people you know. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or shelter and focus on bettering the lives of others. These kinds of activities can help give your life a sense of purpose and meaning.
For example, you might meet new people by joining a club or a volunteer group. These are good ways to connect with others who share similar values and interests. Be careful not to rush into a rebound relationship, but be open to the possibility of a new romance. Be patient and trust your instincts.
One study found that it takes 3 months on average to start feeling a lot better after a breakup. However, don’t be too worried if it takes you longer than that—every person is different, and so is every heartbreak. Occasionally fantasizing about your ex is normal. Rather than trying to push these thoughts away, accept them, and then look for something else to think about instead.
A counselor may recommend talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (a type of therapy that focuses on recognizing and changing unhealthy thoughts and behaviors), or a combination of therapy and medications to help manage your depression. [20] X Research source Depression doesn’t always feel like sadness. You might feel numb, exhausted, irritable, unmotivated, confused, or angry. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or others, call emergency services or contact a crisis line right away. In the U. S. , you can also text “HOME” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741.
